The Clubhouse Kids: Back to School!
by goldenpeach95
Summary: School is back in session at Hill Valley High and The Clubhouse Kids are going to bust their way through the craziness of P.E., bullies, lame after school projects, and so much more! Five one-shots centered on each of The Clubhouse Kids: Milo, Helga, Peggy, Mikey, and Creepy Susie. (Despite the title, it's not for kids: minor adult themes, mild swearing, and some dark content.)
1. 01 Milo Strikes Back!

**DISCLAIMER: I Own Nothing.**

**AN: Be sure to check out the poll on my profile!**

**Milo is dreading gym class because it's dodgeball week, and Jared and Blaine always target him and Mikey. But this time, enough is enough! Milo is ready to fight back!**

* * *

**01\. Milo Strikes Back!**

Milo Oblong and his best friend, Mikey Butts were dreading what they considered to be the universally most violent game known to humanity—dodgeball! Especially with Jared Klimer and Blaine Radcliffe hurtling balls at them like bullets.

"So what exactly is wrong with you two boys?" Nurse Rench asked them. They were sitting in her office hunching over like rollie-pollies.

Mikey looked to Milo for an answer but he himself was unsure of what to say. "Uhh...my stomach!" Milo cried. "My stomach hurts." He added a drawled out "oohhh" for extra drama.

"Yeah," Mikey played along. "Mine too! My stomach!"

Nurse Rench looked dubious. She tapped her chin with her shriveled finger as she looked the boys over. At last she reached a conclusion and said, "Must've been the Salisbury steak at lunch. Go to the bathroom and I'll call your parents to pick you up."

Milo and Mikey flashed each other relieved grins. They scrambled into the boy's bathroom and each did a unique victory dance:

"Oh, yeah! No Jared! Oh, yeah! No Blaine! Oh, yeah! No dodgeball!" Milo sang while Mikey shook his big, obtruding ass.

The boys hurried back to Nurse Rench's office, retaining their "sick" facades.

"Well, boys," Nurse Rench began. "I called both of your houses. Milo, your mother could barely construct a sentence—"

Milo knew that meant his mom was probably day-drunk and already passed out in the bathtub, with her legs up in the air.

"So I called your father," Nurse Rench went on. "And he told me he couldn't leave his job to come and pick you up because he has no more early-outs he can use."

Milo's heart sank. Now what could they do?

"What about my mom?" Mikey spoke up.

"You're mom thought I was the police and then hung up on me before I could even explain," Nurse Rench explained.

Mikey's shoulders fell. He looked at Milo but Milo had no answers this time.

Nurse Rench scanned her selection of medicine in the cabinet above them. "Listen boys, I could have you swallow some castor oil—"

"No!" Milo and Mikey cried in a unison.

Milo scrambled for something suitable to say next, "I mean, we'll just spend some quality time in the bathroom! Thank you, Nurse Rench."

Milo and Mikey rushed out of Nurse Rench's office and slumped against their lockers. "Well, what are we going to do now, Milo?" Mikey asked. He was frantically cleaning one of his nostrils with his thumb.

Milo sighed. "We've reached the last resort, Mikey. We're going to have to talk to Principal Davis. Maybe she can put a stop to Jared and Blaine, clowning us with the dodgeballs."

Mikey was now furiously scratching his buttcrack, a grotesque habit triggered when he was under stress. "Do you think she'll help us?" he asked.

Milo gulped. "No, but we can at least try to talk to her," he said. "After all, we can't keep avoiding P.E. forever."

So the boys walked into Principal Davis' office. She picked up her coffee mug and then sat it down with a groan when they walked in. "Oblong and Butts? What is it now?" she asked, antsy.

Milo explained his and Mikey's dodgeball woes. He also illustrated his stories with every bruise he'd received from being hit so hard with the balls. Principal Davis looked unmoved. She then pressed her eyes on Mikey. "What about you, Butts? Where are your bruises."

Mikey remembered every accident he'd ever had since the day he was born. "Oh, I don't bruise very easily," he said breathily.

Principal Davis glowered. "Boys, it's a game. Jared and Blaine mean well," she told them.

"But Principal Davis—" Milo interjected, but Principal Davis held up her hand.

"You two are being bad sports by taking the game way too seriously," she snapped. "Just throw the damn ball and keep from getting hit. Simple."

The boys exchanged defeated looks. They walked out of Principal Davis's office, and slugged to the gym. It was time for World War III.

"Um, coach," Milo spoke up. His voice was shaking. "I-I don't feel so good. I hurt my um...my ankle."

"I don't feel very good either," Mikey tagged on. "I hurt my knee."

The P.E. teacher looked the boys over. Jared and Blaine exchanged evil giggles.

"Hey, Blaine watch this," Jared said, with a light bump on his best friend's elbow. He shot a death glare at Milo. "Hey broke-jokes, there's a spider coming for you!"

"Ahh! SPIDER!" Mikey cried. His feet flung up from the floor. He landed flat on his butt flaps.

"Where!? Kill it!" Milo shook his hands over his head as if he were going down in flames.

Jared and Blaine were in a fit of laughter. They high-fived each other to celebrate. Milo and Mikey settled down in defeat.

"Enough of this!" The P.E. teacher blew into his whistle, casting a sharp tweet that struck every nerve in Milo's body. Balls immediately took over the air. There was nothing left that he could do to get him and Mikey out of this.

"Okay, you get Butts! I'm going for Obdong," Jared instructed Blaine.

They both cackled manically before spliting up. Jared's fingers sunk into the rubber texture of a ball. His grip was tighter than a hawk gripping its prey. Jared and Blaine's balls left their grip and went thrashing into the air.

"Aggghhh!" Milo and Mikey cried.

The boys sprinted as quickly as they could, but the balls darted right into their guts. It knocked them off their feet and sent them both into the bleachers.

"Stuh-riiike!" Jared jeered. He and Blaine high-fived each other under another whistle blow from the P.E. teacher.

Milo had a new bruise to add to his growing story of Jared and Blaine-Inflicted Injuries, while Mikey just had the emotional-trauma.

* * *

That night, during dinner at the Oblong House, Milo picked over his food. He couldn't wait to soak in the bathtub and numb his bruised body.

"What's wrong, Milo?" Bob asked.

Milo sighed and went into the events of the day. "Jared and Blaine are always coming after me and Mikey. It's not fair," he finished.

Biff and Chip snorted. "Man, you got your little ass whooped!" Chip teased his little brother.

"I don't know, the black eye kind of improves his looks if you think about it," Biff egged on. The two conjoined twins, hurled in laughter.

Milo shamefully sank in his chair.

"Now, Milo," Bob said. "Don't take it to heart. You have to remember, no matter how violent dodgeball is, it's still just a game. Try to have fun. If you show Jared and Blaine that you're having a good time, then they might loosen up and have fun too. Right Pickles?"

Pickles moved her wine glass from her lips. "Right!" she agreed. "When they hit you with the balls, hit them back...harder!"

Bob furrowed his brow. "Um, Pickles, that's not what I meant," he said.

"Bob, haven't you ever heard of 'an eye for an eye'?" Pickles asked her husband.

"Clearly, Milo hasn't," Chip said squinting one of his eyes to look like Milo.

Biff burst out laughing. "Dude, we're on fire tonight!" he raved.

"Pickles, unless it's in the bedroom, I don't condone violence," Bob continued to argue.

Pickles stood over the table and faced Milo. "Milo, if some kid hits you, you have my permission to whale on that son of a bitch!"

"Does that go for me too, Mommy?" Beth spoke up.

"No! Because there's no fighting at school, period!" Bob answered before Pickles could. "If any of you gets sent to jail, I won't have the money to bail you out."

Milo crawled out of his chair and slugged to his room while his parents continued to argue. Most of his parents arguments ended in make-up sex, so he at least could look forward to the peaceful moaning sounds to put him to sleep.

* * *

The next day at school, Jared and Blaine were already warming up for another game of dodgeball. Milo thought about what his dad said. Maybe if he showed Jared and Blaine he was having fun, they would realize that they were not a threat and back off. Milo decided he could at least try it.

Mikey clutched Milo's elbow, bringing him out of his thoughts. "Let's promise to stay close by each other," Mikey told his friend.

"Good idea," Milo said. "And I have an idea. Let's show Jared and Blaine that we're not scared. Let's show them we're having fun."

Mikey looked confused. "Umm...okay," he agreed.

The whistle screeched and balls took over the air again. Milo gulped. He then stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry at Jared. "You can't get me, Jared!" he cried.

Jared clenched his teeth. He ripped a ball from out of a random kid's hands and charged after Milo who was running for his life. Mikey was close behind him.

Mikey and Milo laughed. "This is so much fun!" Milo taunted.

"You're really starting to PISS ME OFF!" Jared roared. "Get those dorks, Blaine!"

Blaine thundered after the two giggling boys and scud the ball at them as hard as he could. The ball soared toward Milo. He hunched over like a turtle to protect himself. Just inches away from his face, Mikey threw himself in front of his best friend.

"Nooo!" Jared wailed.

The ball pounded Mikey in the butt, ricocheted off his fleshy cheeks, and smited Blaine right in the face. He fell hard on his back, taking away his breath before he could let out an, "Ohh!"

The P.E. teacher blew on his whistle. Game over. "Oh, yeah! We beat them! Oh, yeah! We beat them!" Milo sang while Mikey shook his victoriously, heroic ass-cheeks.

"Blaine!" Jared cried, helping up his friend. "I'm so sorry, dude! I let my thirst for beating up Valley kids get the best of me! Will you ever forgive me?"

Blaine blinked rapidly. Mikey walked over to Blaine and looked him over. "Blaine, are you okay?" he asked.

Blaine slowly lifted his aching head, when he saw Mikey's huge butt-cheeks, his soul left his body. "Stay away from me!" Blaine cried. He peeled himself off the gym floor and scrammed to the locker room, Jared following after him.

* * *

That night, Milo sat in between his parents on the couch and updated them on his day. "So, I basically listened to both of your suggestions," Milo told them.

"Oh, that's wonderful, sweetie!" Pickles gushed.

"Good enough for me," Bob agreed.

"How about we celebrate tonight, Bob? I still haven't learned my lesson from all that arguing with you yesterday," Pickles said as she slipped out of her heels.

Bob rapidly raised his eyebrows at her. "Naughty girl needs another spanking."

Milo winced at his disgusting parents. "But, Dad. I thought you said you don't condone violence."

"Unless it's in the bedroom!" Pickles reminded him. She winked at Bob.

Milo took that as his cue to leave. A soothing bubble bath was calling his name.

* * *

**Next Time: Mikey is in love...with a Debbie?! **


	2. 02 Mikey In The Middle

**Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Anything!**

**Mikey starts dating one of The Debbies! But Milo and the other Clubhouse Kids suspect that Debbie's "love" is too good to be true.**

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**02\. Mikey In The Middle**

Debbie Klimer was hosting another one of her fabulous sleepover parties for all of her Debbie friends at the Klimer Estate. Debbie Klimer then lowered the volume on her stereo and turned to her friends. "Hey, girls! let's play Truth or Debbie-Dare!" she suggested.

Debbie Klimer joined her friends on the plush, white carpet. "Okay! Me first!" she cried.

"Truth or Debbie Dare?" asked Debbie Bledsoe.

Debbie Klimer placed her manicured finger against her chin, thinking. "Truth!" she exclaimed.

"Okay! What is your deepest, darkest secret?"

The Debbies gasped. They inched closer and soon Debbie Klimer felt like her back was against the wall. "Fine! I secretly like purple more than pink!" she blurted.

The Debbies gasped again as Debbie Klimer dropped to her knees, bawling her sparkly, blue eyes out. Debbie Rose broke away from the other Debbies and placed a hand on crying Debbie Klimer's shoulder. "It's okay, Debbie! Purple and pink are cousins! I read that in J-14," explained Debbie Rose.

"Really?" Debbie Klimer stood to her feet again. She dried her long, wet lashes on her sleeve and hugged her friend. "Oh! Thanks, Debbie!"

The girls took their places on the carpet and continued the game. After a few more truths, and frantic crying outbursts, the girls were more than ready for some Debbie Dares.

"Okay," Debbie Larke said with a clap. Her green eyes fell on Debbie Rose. "Debbie, I Debbie Dare you to..." Debbie Larke paused momentarily to think of something juicy. "I dare you to date a Valley kid for a week!"

"Eww!" The Debbies all cried together.

"Like, no way!" Debbie Rose protested.

"It's just for a week!" Debbie Larke argued. "If you complete your Debbie Dare successfully, you'll be the Debbie Slumber Party Queen, and you'll get to wear the pink tiara at our next slumber party!"

"Yeah! And then you can dump him at the Back to School Dance in front of like, everybody!" Debbie Bledsoe added. "Effing brilliant!"

Debbie Rose hugged her knees. "Which Valley kid do I have to date?" she asked.

"Hmm..." they all said together.

Debbie Klimer whipped out her school year book. She wrote down the names of all the boys in her grade from the Valley, cut them out, and threw them into a bucket.

Debbie Rose felt her stomach turn as Debbie Klimer shook the bucket. "Okay! Draw a name," ordered Debbie Klimer.

"Ugh!" Debbie Rose groaned. She stuck her tiny hand in the bucket and almost fainted at the sight of the name! "NOOO!"

* * *

The next day The Clubhouse Kids were playing their favorite game at recess, Mikey in The Middle. Milo Oblong, Peggy Weggy, Creepy Susie, and Helga Phugly formed a wide spread circle around Mikey Butts.

"Come on, Mikey! Catch the ball already!" Peggy ordered.

"Can someone else be in the middle?" Mikey panted. His huge butt flaps weighed him down. He was growing tir ed and out of breath from leaping for the ball.

"That would change the point of the game. You have to be in the middle Mikey," Milo explained.

"But I always lose," Mikey said wretchedly.

"I know!" Helga agreed. "Makes the rest of us feel one-percent better about ourselves."

"I feel one-percent better knowing that oxygen is slowly killing mankind in the least painful way," Susie jabbered.

"Well, I'm tired of being in the middle! I'm tired of being the 'butt-monkey of the group!'" Mikey huffed impatiently.

The other Clubhouse Kids pressed their hands over their mouths in a fit of laughter. Mikey's friends were always making fun of his unsightly large ass. For once he wished he wasn't the "butt" of every joke. "I'm going inside for a drink!" he said.

Mikey hurried down the hallway to the nearest drinking fountain. He twist the nozzle but no water came out. He gave the nozzle another twist. It broke in his hand and water gushed out, blasting him into the wall!

"Ahhgghh!"

Suddenly the water shut off and Mikey fell to his knees, completely drenched.

"Why is it always me?" Mikey moaned to himself. He wondered who shut off the water.

Mikey looked from left to right and then up and up and up. Standing above him was beautiful Debbie Rose. Mikey blinked, confused. "Thanks, I—" he started to say, but Debbie Rose interrupted him.

"You poor thing," she said. She took Mikey's clammy hands and pulled him up from off the floor.

Mikey was even more confused than before. A Debbie talking to him? Most people didn't want to be in the same room as him. A tiny flame of excitement ignited in Mikey's heart, but reality blew it away. "I'm okay," he explained. "This kind of thing happens to me a lot."

Debbie Rose slapped her diamond ring bearing hand over her glossy pink lips. "You're so cute, Monkey," she gushed.

"It's Mikey," Mikey corrected her.

Debbie Rose giggled dismissively. "Tee-hee! Will you walk me to class, Monkey?" she asked.

Suddenly the bell resounded. The Clubhouse Kids spotted Mikey before he could give Debbie Rose an answer. The Debbies also stood by sniggering.

"Mikey?!" Milo called.

Mikey's heart quickened. He looked at his friends but then remembered how unfair they were to him at recess. Mikey needed a break from all the ass-jokes. "Uhh...s-sure, Debbie. I'll walk you to your class," he announced with intention of The Clubhouse Kids hearing.

Mikey took Debbie Rose's thin wrist. The other Debbies covered their mouths to smother their giggles as Debbie Rose let herself be whisked away by a Valley kid.

Milo's eye bulged. Something wasn't right. Why was Debbie Rose being so nice to Mikey?

When the two got to homeroom, Debbie Rose saved Mikey a seat next to her. She turned to Mikey and winked. Mikey felt his face heat up. He couldn't believe a Debbie was being so nice to him. Mikey pinched one of his butt flaps as hard as he could, but he wasn't dreaming. This was really happening to him!

The weirdness continued throughout the whole week. On Tuesday, The Debbies let Mikey eat at their luscious, candle-lit table. On Wednesday, Debbie Rose let Mikey comb her beautiful, blonde hair in homeroom. On Thursday, Debbie Rose asked Mikey to take her to the Back to School Dance that would be held tomorrow after school.

After lunch that day, Mikey carried both his and Debbie Rose's books to homeroom. The Debbies were just a few feet behind them whispering and giggling. Suddenly, Jared and Blaine stepped in front of Mikey and Debbie Rose. Blaine slapped the books right out of Mikey's hands.

"Hey!" Mikey whined. He was used to this kind of abuse from Jared and Blaine but today it was incredibly embarrassing with Debbie Rose being there to witness it.

Jared got up in Mikey's face. "I thought we told you a long time ago not to go near our women!" he barked.

Debbie Rose pushed Jared back. At that moment, Milo and the other Clubhouse Kids came from around the corner, witnessing everything.

"Excuse you, Jared, but that's my boyfriend, Monkey, you're talking to!" Debbie Rose snapped.

"It's Mikey," Mikey corrected her.

"And some of those books you slapped out of his hands were mine!" Debbie Rose continued. She held up her index finger and bobbed her head around to add some sass to what she was saying.

Jared and Blaine exchanged looks. They then picked up the books and handed them back to Mikey. Both boys looked just as confused as Milo and the other Clubhouse Kids.

"Milo, do you see this right now?" Peggy spluttered.

"It's safe to say that Jared and Blaine aren't in on whatever it is that the Debbies are plotting against Mikey," Milo whispered back. "We have to investigate and find out what's going on before they hurt him!"

* * *

That evening, an emergency meeting at Milo's Clubhouse was held. The four remaining club members discussed different ways they could investigate The Debbies. They finally settled on calling Debbie Klimer on a blocked number. Someone would pretend to be a Debbie and maybe get in the wind of what was going on.

Milo searched for the Klimer residence in the phone book.

"You don't need that phone book," Helga said. "I know all the Debbie's phone numbers by heart."

"That's not weird at all," Milo said sarcastically. "So, who can do a good Debbie voice?"

"Ooh! Me!" Helga cried.

"No, Helga, they know your voice too well," Milo said.

"Don't look at me," Susie spoke up.

"I could give it a shot!" Peggy spluttered, drenching her friends with spit.

"She's out," Helga said, wiping the spit off her face.

Milo sighed. "I guess I'll do it."

Helga punched in the phone number and put it on speaker. The phone rang three times until Debbie Klimer picked up. "Hell-o?" she answered.

Milo cleared his throat and worked his Debbie voice. "Like, hey, girl!" he said.

Peggy, Susie, and Helga sniggered.

"Oh, hey, Debbie!" Debbie Klimer greeted.

Milo decided to cut to the chase. "Uhh...I still can't believe Debbie is dating that Valley kid."

"Yeah, tomorrow's the last day of the Debbie-Dare, and then she dumps that loser at the dance in front of everybody! It's gonna be so hilarious! And Debbie will be the new Slumber Party Queen," Debbie Klimer spilled.

Milo's mouth fell. For a moment he almost forgot his Debbie voice. How could they do this?! "Uhh...yeah. Gotta go!" Milo punched end on the phone.

"We have to tell Mikey! He'll die of embarrassment!" Peggy shrieked.

"Yes, such embarrassment will link to his own self-inflicted death," Susie agreed.

* * *

The next evening was the Back to School Dance. The Clubhouse Kids found Mikey at the refreshments table happily getting Debbie Rose some juice.

"Hi, guys!" Mikey greeted them. "I'm sorry I haven't been spending a lot of time with you. Having a Debbie-girlfriend takes up a lot of my time now."

"Mikey, you have to get out of here!" Milo blurted. "The Debbies are plotting to embarrass you!"

"It was all a trick! Debbie is only dating you because she was dared to," Peggy explained.

"That's not true! She likes me. You guys are just mad because I'm not your bitch anymore! Now excuse me, but I'm going to go dance with my girlfriend!" Mikey snapped. He pushed past them to find Debbie Rose.

Milo's shoulders fell in shame. "We have to do something, guys!" he cried.

"Forget him! I'm going for the deserts!" Helga bellowed. She dove into the refreshments and shoved all kinds of cookies, chips, and cakes into her mouth.

Meanwhile, Debbie Rose shuffled her foot on the gym floor nervously. The other Debbies crowded around her and gave her hugs. "Today's the day you dump that loser!" Debbie Larke said.

"I don't know, Debbie," Debbie Rose admitted. "I feel kind of like, bad. Monkey's been so...um...nice to me. Maybe, I should dump him in private."

The other Debbies all gasped.

"Debbie, don't tell me you actually feel sorry for a Valley kid," Debbie Klimer asked. She loomed over her friend like she were about to eat her alive.

Debbie Rose cleared her throat and carefully reconsidered her words. "No way! _Me?_ Feel sorry for a Valley Kid?" She fanned her hands around as if to waft the idea away. "Like no way! In fact, I'm gonna go dump him right now!"

Debbie Rose charged over to the podium and snagged the microphone. She tapped it twice, reasoning it was on. "Umm, can I have your attention?" Her voice came from every direction of the gymnasium. She bit her lip to keep her quivering voice straight.

Mikey felt his heart slamming into his chest. He looked back at his friends and then frowned. He was smarter than this. There was only one way to find out if Debbie Rose truly wanted him.

"As you all know, I...I have a boyfriend..." Debbie Rose continued. The other Debbies cheered and praised her as she went on babbling.

Mikey sprinted to join Debbie Rose at the podium. When he reached her, he ripped the microphone from her hands.

"Um, what are you doing?!" Debbie Rose cried. Mikey tugged her by the arm, bringing her down to his mouth. He then pressed his lips against hers.

"Eww! Get away from me you freak!" Debbie Rose tore herself from his kiss. She threw her hands over her eyes and rushed out of the gym in a fit of tears as everyone roared in laughter.

Milo hurried over to help his friend, but not before he called the Debbies out on their crap. "I can't believe you guys would stoop so low!" he shot at them.

"Whatever!" Debbie Klimer said with a flip of her hair. "It's not our fault your dumbass friend is a gullible little dweeb." The Debbies turned on their heels and sauntered off to find their bawling Debbie.

Mikey's friends circled around him so that no one would see the pained look on his face. "I'm so sorry. They're right, I'm a dumbass and a gullible little dweeb," he said shakily.

"Yeah," Helga agreed. "Who knew that all it takes to be the Debbie Slumber Party Queen is to date dumbass Valley kids. How about I be your rebound, Mikey?"

"Helga," Milo scolded.

Susie placed a hand on Mikey's shoulder. "There there, Mikey. Shall we go to the Clubhouse?" she asked.

Milo's face lit up. He had an idea. "Yeah, we can play Milo in the Middle!" he suggested.

Mikey blinked at him completely confused. "Milo in the Middle? Not Mikey in the Middle?"

"Yeah," Milo said with a bright smile.

Mikey perked up. "Yeah! Let's go!" he exclaimed.

And then they left.

* * *

**Next Time: Creepy Susie becomes everyone's shoulder to cry on!**


	3. 03 1-800-S-U-S-I-E

**DISCLAIMER: I Don't Own Anything!**

**Susie becomes a peer councilor after being recommended by Mr. Bergstein for her outstanding listening skills. But soon students end up in the nurse's office after following her advice.**

* * *

**03\. 1-800-S-U-S-I-E**

It was Monday afternoon, and Creepy Susie couldn't wait for homeroom to be over. She was looking forward to going home and talking with her great-grandmother's skeleton in the closet, so when the bell finally rang, Susie was first to leave her desk, and her hand was first to reach the doorknob.

"Susie, I'd like to see you after class," Mr. Bergstein said, placing a hand on Susie's shoulder.

Susie longingly watched her Clubhouse friends: Milo Oblong, Helga Phugly, Peggy Weggy and Mikey Butts make their way out of the classroom. "Ooh! You're in trouble!" Helga Phugly taunted as she passed.

"If you make it out of here alive, we'll have you a spot saved at lunch," Milo told Susie.

When all the other students poured out of the classroom, Susie faced Mr. Bergstein. "Is there a problem?" she asked gently.

"No, not at all, I asked you to stay because I am really impressed with your listening skills," Mr. Bergstein assured, but Susie wasn't really listening. She was actually wondering if he would ask her about a picture she sketched of his head on fire, but he didn't.

"Hill Valley High is starting a peer listening program targeting the Val...er I mean...uhh...less fortunate students, but it's available for everyone," Mr. Bergstein went on. "Anyway, I think given your incredible listening skills, that you would be perfect for the job."

"No. Thank you, though," Susie said shortly. She pulled herself away from him and started for the door again.

"Wait! Susie!" Mr. Bergstein tried again.

Susie stopped, this time grudgingly looking at him over her shoulder.

"Please at least consider the opportunity," Mr. Bergstein pleaded. "All you have to do is anonymously take phone calls and listen to your peers who will also remain anonymous. It's a very simple job, and should come naturally for someone like you. Plus, I can't seem to find anyone else."

Susie sighed and then finally gave in. "I guess I'll do it. I have nothing to live for anyway," she groaned.

Mr. Bergstein clapped once. "Excellent! We'll have you on a line tomorrow after school."

The next day was Susie's first day on the job. She was in a foul mood because she was having to miss a meeting with The Clubhouse Kids and she couldn't give them any specifics as to why because the job was confidential. Susie slumped in her chair when Mr. Bergstein came in. He explained to the small group of peer-listeners how to answer the phone calls and then they were left on their own.

Susie sat back in her seat and waited for her first phone call. In the meantime she worked on her sketch of Mr. Bergstein's burning head.

After a ten minute stagnation, the phone rang. Susie pressed "answer." A familiar voice filled her ears. "Ha! I will die in seven days!" the voice said.

Susie knew that throaty, masculine voice. It was Helga. Obviously this was her sad attempt at a prank call (and quoting the most famous lines from the Ring Movie.)

"Oh," Susie said calmly. "Seven days seems so far away. Can you speed it up a little?"

"Uhh... I guess. But how?" Helga asked.

"May I suggest hanging? It is a personal favorite of mine. I'd help you do it, but as you know, I am so busy and can't leave the phone right now."

"Umm...hanging. Okay! Got it!" Helga confirmed and then hung up the phone.

Susie smiled. She'd nailed it. She was really helping people. Maybe Mr. Bergstein was right. Maybe she really _was_ a good listener.

The next call was clearly from a Debbie. "I'm just tired of dressing up like my friends all the time," Debbie Larke explained. "I want to be different, but I'm like afraid of what my friends will say. What should I do?"

"Dress like it's your funeral, because soon it will be. You might as well prepare yourself," Susie answered.

Debbie Larke was speechless. Susie heard her breaths shorten into sobs and then the call ended.

"Ahh, tears of joy," Susie said to herself.

The next call was from Mikey. "Everyone makes fun of my buttocks," he complained.

"Take a saw and cut it off," Susie instructed.

Mikey wheezed into the receiver. "Are you s-sure? That might kill me," he stuttered.

"If so, then at least you won't hear what the people say about you," Susie explained. She took Mikey's silence as her cue to hang up the phone. Another satisfied caller.

After a few more calls, it was time to disconnect the phone lines. Mr. Bergstein disconnected Susie's phone. "Well done, Susie. You managed to take thirty-nine calls," he congratulated her. "I look forward to seeing you tomorrow."

Susie gave him a big smile. She couldn't wait to tell her great-grandmother about the difference she was making in peoples lives.

* * *

Susie hovered into school a week later with a sense of importance in her aura. She had adjusted to the peer listening program and had developed her very own style of making suggestions to the callers. Susie looked around the hallway, reviewing the difference she was making in the lives of her peers.

Debbie Larke was wearing a long black sweater vest with black nylons and red Keds. She stood at her locker sobbing into her palms as the other Debbies whispered and laughed at her outfit. Susie smiled, nodding to herself.

Mikey stepped in front of Susie's veiw of the Debbies. "Hey Susie," he said. He approached her slugging. His face was sickly pale and his forehead glistened from beads of sweat. "I can't talk to you right now; I'm kind of having a bad day."

"They're _all_ bad, Mikey," Susie corrected him.

"Yeah, well this one is the worst I've had in a while," he clarified. "My peer-listener told me that the only way I could get people to stop staring at my butt would be to cut it off. I started to last night but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, and now there's a scar on my buttcheek. It hurts when I sit down."

Susie fazed right through Mikey's pained face. She then said to him, "Try harder next time," before sauntering on to her locker.

Later that day, Susie caught up with Helga, who had a candy rope fastened around her neck.

"What have you got around your neck, Helga?" Susie asked her as they walked to their next class.

"Candy rope," Helga replied. "I will die in seven days so the peer counselor I talked to told me I could speed up the process with hanging myself. I tried several times, but the noose would just snap before I hit the ground, so I thought I'd try candy rope instead, but I just want to eat it."

"Try again," Susie told her.

The bell resounded, and the two friends walked into their next class. Susie's cheeks rose as a smile took over her face. The smile lasted the whole day until the end of homeroom.

"Susie." Mr. Bergstein stopped Susie again. She stopped abruptly, feeling the backpacks of other students scrape against her arms.

"I think Mr. Bergstein likes Susie," Milo whispered to Mikey as they headed out of the classroom.

"That's all kinds of yuck," he whispered back.

Mr. Bergstein pushed his hair back and sighed when he and Susie were finally alone.

"Susie, we need to talk about your peer listening position. I'm afraid we're going to have to cut you from the program," he said. His voice was shaking.

Susie's smile finally fell. "Oh this is the most rupturing news," she moaned. "Why, Mr. Bergstein?"

Mr. Bergstein removed his glasses and took a few moments to consider the right thing to say. "I just think from seeing the overwhelming effect you have on people, that I should give other students a chance at the job."

"But you said you couldn't find anyone else for the job." Susie's eyes narrowed. She picked up a pair of scissors on his desk. They dangled in her hands like a knife.

Mr. Bergstein removed his glasses again so that he could miss Susie's look of death. "Er...yes, but I meant I couldn't find anyone else like _you! _You have a very special uhh...flavor that no one else has. But now it's time to try out other flavors for this project."

Susie sat the scissors down. She then forced her cheeks up to create another smile on her face. Her nostrils flared and Mr. Bergstein could see the white of her eyes. Susie sat her backpack on the floor and searched for her sketch of him. "I drew this for you," was all she said and then exited the classroom.

Mr. Bergstein took a good long look at the picture. He felt his whole body grow cold even though he was burning alive in the very well drawn picture.

* * *

Susie sat in her room the next few nights, sadder than usual. One night she mustered up the courage to find out what new "flavor" Mr. Bergstein had discovered. She hovered downstairs and grabbed the cordless phone. She then locked herself in the bathroom, and thumbed in the peer listening hotline number.

After three rings, a wet sounding voice answered the phone. "Peer lish-tening!? What would you like to dish-scusss today?"

Peggy Weggy? Susie lips parted to say something but she decided not to. At least it was Susie's friend with the new opportunity.

"Hello? Are you shhtill there?" Peggy spluttered. Susie pulled the phone away from her ear and rubbed it as if Peggy's saliva transferred through the phone. There was long static and Peggy started to sound like she were under water...or in a lake of her own saliva.

Susie punched "End" on the phone. The next day the Peer Listening program was disbanded due to the phone circuits being fried from excessive saliva in the transmitters.

* * *

**Up Next: Helga, correction...Miss Phugly is in charge of class!**


	4. 04 Welcome to Miss Helga Phugly's Class

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT own anything!**

**Helga becomes Teacher of The Day and drives her classmates crazy!**

* * *

**04\. Welcome to Miss Helga Phugly's Class**

It was only Thursday. Not Friday. Mr. Bergstein was going on and on about his boring personal life during homeroom, adding to Helga Phugly's hunger-triggered annoyance. It was almost time for Mr. Bergstein to draw the name of the student who would be Teacher of the Day on Friday. Helga wanted so badly to be in charge of the class, but her name was never drawn. She always lost out to one of The Debbies. Of course she didn't mind following the demands of the most beautiful girls in school, but this time, she wanted to experience what it was like to have power.

"Okay, class. It's time to draw the name for Teacher of the Day," Mr. Bergstein announced.

Everyone cheered except for Helga. Beads of sweat gathered in the folds of her back as Mr. Bergstein shook the bowl of names. He closed his eyes withdrew a name.

"Helga!" Mr. Bergstein called out. Helga felt like her nerves were running a marathon. Was this really happening?

"Me?" Helga asked.

"Congratulations! You will be the Teacher of The Day," Mr. Bergstein confirmed.

"Ha!" Helga cried. The class gave an unenthusiastic applause except for The Debbies who crossed their arms.

Helga stood to her feet, unaware that she was wedged in her desk. The hind legs of her desk knocked Mr. Bergstein to the floor as she turned to face the class. "In your face, losers!"

"Um, Helga? We never doubted you," Helga's good friend, Milo Oblong noted.

"Right." Helga cleared her throat and tried to gather her composure. "I've just always wanted to say that."

"Okay, Helga. It's important that you come up with a lesson plan for tomorrow," Mr. Bergstein instructed as he struggled to his feet.

A smile took over Helga's face as she thought of all the things she could do now that she was in charge. But first, she had to get unstuck from her desk.

* * *

The next morning Mr. Bergstein moved Helga's desk to the front of the classroom where it faced the other students. He also made Helga a special sign with her name on it and placed it on her desk. Helga had written all of her plans for the day in her notebook.

"Okay, class!" Helga said with a chuckle. "First, I want you all to draw a picture of me," Helga said.

Debbie Klimer cupped a hand over her mouth as she whispered into Debbie Bledsoe's ear. "Let's draw Helga as a fat dirty pig!"

Debbie Bledsoe's glossy lips became a sinister smile. She then passed the message on to the other Debbies.

Everyone placed their drawings on Helga's desk when they were finished. The Clubhouse Kids each had their own artistic take on Helga. Milo drew Helga eating a pie; Mikey Butts drew Helga flying a kite; Peggy Weggy drew Helga wearing a tiara, and Creepy Susie just drew Helga's gravestone.

The Debbies, however, handed Helga their drawings personally. They had each drawn Helga as an obese pig with flies around her. Helga gazed at their drawings of her. Her eyes bubbled in tears. "I look beautiful!" she cried out. "Thanks, girlies! I'll add it to my collection of Debbie stuff."

"Are you kidding me? We drew you as a fat pig!" Debbie Klimer called out.

Helga clamped her hands together even more touched than before. "How did you know pigs are my favorite animal?" she cried.

"What?! It was meant to be mean!" Debbie stamped up and down with exasperated huffs.

"Okay! It's story time," Helga announced to the class. "I'm going to tell the story of a beautiful little girl named Helga." Helga cleared her throat under the sound of everyone's groans. "Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl named Helga who was very beautiful. Helga was so beautiful that everything she touched became beautiful too. She lived beautifully ever after. The end."

The class held still, completely silent until the sound of a rough grunt hit every corner of the room. Milo turned in his chair to Mikey who had fallen asleep.

"Hey!" Helga snapped. Mikey's head shot right up like a whack-a-mole. "No sleeping in my class! Go to the wall and think about what you did, Mikey!"

"But...but...Mr. Bergstein, she can't make me," Mikey argued.

"Unfortunately, she can today, Mikey," Mr. Bergstein said. "It is very rude to fall asleep while someone is telling a story, no matter how atrociously unrealistic it is, Mikey."

"Oh." Mikey sighed and slugged to the corner of the room as Helga had ordered.

* * *

It was now snack time. Most of the Hill kids had brought Kid Cusines and Lunchables. The Valley kids usually brought food made from scratch. Milo brought a half eaten peanut butter and expired syrup sandwich that his dad made with his tongue; Peggy brought some room-temperature apple sauce; Mikey enjoyed some stale saltine crackers while still sitting in the corner, and Susie brought some canned chowder that tasted like pennies. The Debbies brought no snacks at all. They didn't believe in snacking.

Helga's mouth started to water and her stomach thundered as the conflicting smell of food gathered in her nostrils. She'd already eaten her own snacks but she was hungry again. She wanted more to eat and that's exactly what she was going to get. After all, she was in charge. She had power now.

"Okay, class! Give me all of your snacks," Helga ordered.

Everyone stopped right in the middle of chewing. They looked at each other and then at Mr. Bergstein.

"Uh, Helga—" Mr. Bergstein spoke up.

"That's Miss Phugly to you!" Helga corrected him.

"Er...right." Mr. Bergstein removed his glasses, wiped the lenses, and then slid them back on his face. "Miss Phugly, you can't just take everyone's snacks," he said.

"Quiet!" Helga snarled. "I run this bitch now!"

Mr. Bergstein's eyes widened in disbelief. "Excuse me?" he pleaded, but Helga ignored him.

"Hand me them snacks! Now!" Helga demanded again.

One by one, the students stacked their snacks on Helga's desk. Milo, however remained seated. Helga was going too far.

"Milo! Give me your snacks right now!" Helga growled at him.

"No, Helga! These are my snacks. You're being a huge tyrant!" Milo growled back.

Helga charged over to Milo at his desk. She narrowed her eyes at. Milo narrowed his twitching eye at her.

"Go to the corner!" Helga ordered.

Milo's mouth dropped. "You can't do that! Mr. Bergstein, she can't do that!" Milo cried.

Mr. Bergstein swallowed and searched his mind for the appropriate way to reason with his student. "Hel...er, Miss Phugly, I do believe you are being a bit...a bit—"

"She's being a complete dictator!" Peggy blurted.

"Yes," Susie agreed. "She will share a similar fate to that of Julius Caesar. Slaughtered by her fellow classmates except with scissors."

Helga swished her head around to Peggy and Susie. "Both of you! To the corner!"

Mr. Bergstein finally found his words. "Helga that's enough. You are being ridiculously improper."

"You too, Bern-stink!" Helga darted her index finger towards an unoccupied corner.

Debbie Rose giggled into Debbie Klimer's shoulder as Milo, Peggy, Susie, and Mr. Bergstein filled the corner of the room.

"Girls," Helga said to the Debbies. "Share your snacks with me."

Debbie Larke scrunched her nose like she'd caught a whiff of The Valley's putrid air. "We don't eat snacks," she said, almost sounding offended.

Helga felt her heart slam into the pit of her huge stomach. "Go...to...the corner!" she yelled.

Everyone gasped. "You can't be serious!" Debbie Bledsoe cried.

Helga drew a ruler from Mr. Bergstein's desk like it was a sword. "Move it, ladies!"

One by one, every corner of the room filled with students. There was a solid twenty minutes left of class, but Miss Phugly wasn't finished yet.

Mr. Bergstein peeled himself up from the floor. He had to take back his authority. He placed a hand on Helga's shoulder. "Listen, Hel—Miss Phugly." He gave a tiny eye roll. "The whole point of being Teacher of The Day is to uplift and inspire your classmates, not to dictate and punish them. Look at what you've done to your peers. Do you truly believe this is right?"

Helga gazed at her classmates for a moment. Everyone looked so bored. The Debbies were crying from having to sit on the dirty floor. Mikey was rubbing his sore bottom from sitting so long. Susie was stabbing the floor with a pair of scissors.

Helga turned back to Mr. Bergstein and pulled herself away from him. She then slid into Mr. Bergstein's seat. With ten minutes of class left, Helga decided it was time to do what was right. She cleared her throat. "Once upon a time there was a beautiful, little girl named Helga—"

The following Monday, Mr. Bergstein announced that Teacher of The Day was banned from Hill Valley High.

* * *

**Up Next: Peggy's optimism is challenged when she causes Mr. Bernstein to leave Hill Valley High. **


	5. 05 Peggy Pleads Guilty

**Disclaimer: I Own Nothing!**

**Peggy struggles to maintain her optimism after causing Mr. Bernstein to leave Hill Valley High.**

* * *

**05\. Peggy Pleads Guilty**

Peggy Weggy believed that if she did really well in school, she'd some day go to a great college, become president, and solve most of the world's problems. But until then, she had a long way to go, and it felt even longer listening to Mr. Bernstein's boring history lecture. Even so, she retained her usual good mood.

Blaine Radcliffe let out an abrupt yawn, triggering giggles from The Debbies. Mr. Bernstein ignored them. "This week, we will be focusing on ancient leaders," he announced.

"Lame!" Debbie Larke said through a fake cough.

Peggy rolled her eyes. Even though she was bored, she always worked really hard to stay on Mr. Bernstein's good side unlike everyone else in his class. She considered herself one of his best students.

"Did any of you know that the kings in a deck of playing cards each represent a significant king in our history?" Mr. Bernstein asked the class. No one responded. "Alrighty then," he said with a sigh.

Peggy struggled to pay attention. She was thirsty from sitting in the warm classroom and it was making her drool even more than usual. Peggy's friends Milo Oblong and Helga Phugly smothered their giggles into their palms.

"She's like a water park," Milo whispered.

"Peggyland!" Helga agreed.

Peggy was used to her friends teasing her about drooling and spitting. At least she was making them laugh. She wiped her mouth on her drenched sleeve.

"Um, Milo. Helga. Please, no talking," Mr. Bernstein scolded.

Peggy had never been in trouble with Mr. Bernstein before. She hurriedly reached into her backpack for a handkerchief as drool spilled from her mouth and gathered into a small puddle on the floor.

"Okay, students," Mr. Bernstein said. He held up four playing cards. "It's time for a pop quiz! I hope you were listening to my lecture."

The class groaned as Mr. Bernstein made his way around the classroom handing out papers. Before Peggy could clutch the paper from Mr. Bernstein's grip, his steps were met with the slick saliva puddle by Peggy's desk.

"Whoa!" Mr. Bernstein was flung from his heels and thrown into the floor, right on his back.

Everyone laughed all the way down to their bellies as Mr. Bernstein lied there. He looked right up at Peggy and glowered.

Peggy's nerves shot through her body like bullets. "Mr. Bernstein, are you okay?" she tried to ask him, but he couldn't hear her under hacking and guffaws of the other students.

"Well." Mr. Bernstein peeled himself up from the hard, dusty floor. "Wasn't that just hilarious." When he found his balance again, he darted out of the classroom.

The class went silent and then the laughing started up again. Debbie Rose was laughing so hard her ovaries were about to explode.

"Finally! You're saliva was actually good for something," Helga said giving Peggy a nudge on the elbow.

The final bell saved Peggy from having to respond. She briefly awaited for Mr. Bernstein to return to the classroom and dismiss everyone, but he didn't. Peggy decided not to worry. Mr. Bernstein would surely forget all about everything by tomorrow.

The next day, Peggy arrived to class early. She wanted to apologize to Mr. Bernstein before class started. To her surprise there was a substitute.

"Eh-skoosh me," Peggy asked the substitute defensively. "But where is Mishter Bernstein?"

"I'm not sure, dear," said the sub. "Principal Davis just asked me to take over for the day."

Peggy's heart heated. This was a lot worse than she'd thought.

* * *

After school, Peggy called an emergency meeting of The Clubhouse Kids. "It's sho unlike Mishter Bernstein to just not show up to classh," Peggy said at the podium.

"Maybe the fall knocked out his memory and he forgot he was a teacher," Mikey Butts suggested. "That happened to me once. I still can't remember my last three birthdays."

"With the way he bolted out of class, maybe Mr. Bernstein left Hill Valley to get away from his boring life," Milo interjected.

Creepy Susie nodded. "Perhaps he died in his sleep from the hard blow to his head."

Peggy Weggy threw her hands over her face in horror. "Surely he didn't fall that hard," she cried.

Helga rubbed her third chin in deep thought. "Nah, he's probably just fine. He's most likely at home in his basement eating his feelings."

Peggy had never felt so heavy with guilt before in her life. She would never do anything to hurt someone on purpose. Especially her teacher. She had to find Mr. Bernstein and apologize.

After the meeting, Peggy parked her bike by a phone booth and searched for Mr. Bernstein's address in the phone book. She then wrote it down and hurried to the Hills. She passed by so many lovely mansions and estates. Some day she would live a life like this too, but she couldn't lose her chance to a silly misunderstanding.

When Peggy reached Mr. Bernstein's house, she threw down her bike and ran up the steps, skipping two at a time. She landed on his "Welcome" mat and knocked on the red, maple wooden doors. "Mishter Bernstein?" Peggy cried. She knocked three more times but still got not answer.

Peggy felt her heart boiling this time. What if her friends were right? What if Mr. Bernstein lost his memory? What if he left town? What if he died from the fall? What if he were hiding from the world and eating away his feelings? That would mean she wouldn't be his top student anymore! She'd have to start over with a new teacher!

Peggy banged on the door even harder. "Mishter Bernstein! Open up!" she tried again.

"Peggy? You don't live here," a voice said over Peggy's shoulders. "What are you doing?"

Peggy spun on her heels. Her gaze centered on Mr. Bernstein who's hands were full of prescriptions. "Mishter Bernstein! You're alive and you remember me!" Peggy flung her arms around his waist.

Mr. Bernstein looked confused. "Um, Peggy. Do you mind explaining to me what is going on?" he asked.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay from that fall the other day," Peggy replied.

"Oh," Mr. Bernstein said shortly. He removed his glasses and then slid them back on his face.

"Are you coming back to school tomorrow?" Peggy asked. Her heart was crisped from overheating at this point.

"Well, of course I am, Peggy," Mr. Bernstein said. He then sighed. "Listen, the reason why I ran out of class was because...I-I'm lactose intolerant and I...I had eaten a little ice cream in the teacher's lounge when I wasn't supposed to. Alright? I wasn't angry at you, and I'm sorry I made you worry."

"Okay." Peggy waved Mr. Bernstein goodbye and then picked up her bike. She peddled back to the Valley still feeling slightly displeased. She had kind of hoped something big was the matter with Mr. Bernstein like she had feared. But there was nothing wrong at all. He was just a boring-snoring man.

* * *

**Alright. That's it. I hope everyone liked it. I'm hoping to do more Oblongs stories in the future. So just chill 'till the next episode. Bye-Bye!**


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